Wednesday, April 23, 2008

||||||||||||||||||||A VITAL UNDERTAKING||||||||||||||||||||||||||

I would like to announce that me and my buddy Garnel has decided to write a huge halachic treatise of exegesis, extrapolations, and shit like that about the halachic halachas of picking your nose on Shabbat. This is very necessary because of all the Shabbat literature that exists, none tackles picking your nose because it is off the radar and merely assumed to be not a big deal.

Sephardic chief rabbi Shlomo Amar said, "it is tragic the number of people who go to great lengths to keep the shabbat only to eventually find out in olam haba that their efforts were ruined by the grossly underexplored issue of nose picking."

The halachic treatise will be divided into several sections. The first section will cover halachic situations, next will cover halachic quotations, next covers halachic implications, and the last covers halachic ramifications. Nose picking will be discussed in relation to every possible situation and with all 39 melachot to see what is permissible and what is not.

Rabbi Yosef Sholom Eliashiv said, "after this treh .. tree treatase is published, I will make sure that me and my followers riot like crazy mother fuckers to see that it gets published."

Grand Rabbi Yaakov Aryeh Alter of the Ger hassidic dynasty said, "I expect that this much needed text doubles the size of the Talmud." Rabbi Alter is going to include a special section on nose picking and sex since the Ger dynasty is obsessed with sexual purity. Grand Rebbe Zalmen Leib Teitelbaum of the Satmar hassidic dynasty is going to contribute an angry rant about zionists and how they all allegedly pick their noses on shabbat in grave violation of the Torah the way the satmars see it.

Richard Joel, president of the modern orthodox Yeshiva University said, "we are going to look for modern approaches to the ancient problem of picking your nose. It is thankful that SJ and Garnel are tackling the issue in their treatise because just like using electricity on Shabbat, carrying a penny accidentally to shuel on shabbat, and picking your nose on shabbat, these gravely seriously avayrot can send someone to gehenom which the Talmud says is 60 times hotter than any fire in existence in this physical universe. We are not like haredim. We look for modern ways of being fucking pains in the ass with halachic stringencies."

All in all, the beginning of the treatise project on picking your nose on shabbat has had a positive response throughout the orthodox community. The appendix is even going to have a special section that covers covering by burka cult leader Rabbanit Beruriah Keren.


Garnel Ironheart said...

1) I'm not your buddy. I can produce legal documents to that effect if you wish.

2) My picking of my nose is my own business.

3) Call me when you post something either intelligent, meaningful or both.

SJ said...

lol garnel it was a joke XD

Garnel Ironheart said...

Yes, I realize it was a joke. After all, calling me your buddy was the first tip off.

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You must find out

who is our savior Jesus or ?

You may sleep tonight and never get up in the morning?

You may die today.

You may die within a week

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you may die within a year

you may die within the next ten years

one thing for sure

You will die

so find out how is our savior so that he may save you.