Sunday, April 5, 2009

Rabbi Contest

The Orthodox Union has held a contest for rabbis on how many new chumrot they can come up with in one day, and what the best chumrot was. Only rabbis who keep chumrot were allowed, i.e. no talking to women, huge payoses.

The winning chumrot were as follows:

first place winner, Rabbi Moses Mendel Moses Cohen from Crown Heights: all orthodox men must wear blindfolds when walking in the street so as to not look at women.

second place winner, Rabbi Avrohom Strickt from Borough Park: dress shirts must also be black to go along with the hat pants and jacket. No more choosing between white and blue.

third place winner, Rabbi Chiam Wiser from Flatbush: all foods must be marinated in ethanol to kill any possible bugs. All people must be marinated in ethanol to kill any possible (microscopic) bugs. Rabbi Moses Mendel Moses Cohen insisted that using vodka is permissible.

Some average jews tried to protest but the orthodox rabbis reminded them that the rabbis do the thinking for the people.

The first place winner won a vacation to Israel, but the OU made him wear a blindfold.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

that is the worst satire i have ever read. At least some other satires are clever or funny, this is just stupid

SJ said...

maybe u are just too uptight.

Anonymous said...

Maybe u just aren't clever like your blogging counterparts? Have you ever considered the fact that maybe you just suck? There are plenty of anti-orthodox bloggers out there who dont suck, maybe u should throw in the towel so you stop giving them a bad name

DK said...

yeah i'm even embarrassed by this post. At least my OU/Zyklon B post was clever.

Garnel Ironheart said...

Actually, this post had potential. Mind you, Life in Israel's blog already did this a couple of weeks back and the overall post here seemed rushed. SJ, serious suggestion: Take it down, work on it a little more and put it back up when its funnier.

SJ said...

Just because one blog makes fun of chumrot I can't make fun of chumrot? O.o

Anonymous said...

One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking tea and having crumpets.

The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records and try to get in the book!"

The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book, too!"

The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"

So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of World Records.

When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it! They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the record book!!"

The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the record book, too!!"

The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a rather forlorn look on his face.

"What's the matter?", his friends asked.

The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Secular Jew?!?!!"

See, THAT is funny AND true!!!

SJ said...

Now that was just childish.

Anonymous said...

i know your penis size is like that of a child

Anonymous said...

SJ wishes it was that big!!!!!!!

SJ said...

Any further comments impersonating DK will be erased. If you can't disagree without impersonating you need to find professional help.

Ari said...

hilarious.

Anonymous said...

notice he only got mad that someone pretended to be DK (because he started crying when he saw that his butt-buddy was ripping on him). But cant argue with the size of his package

SJ said...

1) My package is of propotionate size. Nothin wrong with it. XD

2) You seem to be overly obsessed with packages. Find help.

Anonymous said...

proportionate size to a doll? Got it

My obsession is no different then your obsession with frummies. Maybe u should seek help too.

SJ said...

It's very different. I write about issues and you are just a retard.

Anonymous said...

I think your penis envy is a very big issue.

and calling someone a retard is offensive to those that are actually mentally retarded. You owe them an apology. Or are they also on your hit list?

SJ said...

Is this your plan, to try to bug me to stop blogging? Cause it ain't happinin.

SJ said...

And also, you should be studying torah instead of being on the internet -.-

Anonymous said...

No, my plan is just to bug you. Thats it.

Don't tell me what to do with my time or i will tell you to stop spanking it or going to gay bars

SJ said...

dude, you are being mevatal torah being on my blog. if your rabbi hears about this he's gonna kick your ass.

Anonymous said...

" And also all that generation were gathered unto their fathers: and there arose another generation after them, which knew not the LORD, nor yet the works which he had done for Israel. And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and served Baalim: And they forsook the LORD God of their fathers, which brought them out of the land of Egypt, and followed other gods, of the gods of the people that were round about them, and bowed themselves unto them, and provoked the LORD to anger."

Halacha says that G-d doesn't punish you out of ignorance. How can he punished them if they knew him not so to speak? Richard must be right at least a little. Otherwise explain the logic SJ (or lack thereof)

Richardfeldman said...

Why did you remove my posts?

Was it because i proved you wrong?

That is so wrong. This is supposed to be an open forum and I have been nothing but respectfully disagreeing, unlike some other posters.

SJ said...

I don't remove posts jackass.

SJ said...

As for you Anonymous, you are being quite disingenuous in a way that is hard to believe is accidental.

Your citation from the bible is Judges 2:10-12.

Judges 2:13-14 says:

"And they forsook the LORD, and served Baal and Ashtaroth. And the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he delivered them into the hands of spoilers that spoiled them, and he sold them into the hands of their enemies round about, so that they could not any longer stand before their enemies."

The rest of the chapter (2:15-23) says:

"And when the LORD raised them up judges, then the LORD was with the judge, and delivered them out of the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge: for it repented the LORD because of their groanings by reason of them that oppressed them and vexed them. And it came to pass, when the judge was dead, that they returned, and corrupted themselves more than their fathers, in following other gods to serve them, and to bow down unto them; they ceased not from their own doings, nor from their stubborn way. And the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel; and he said, Because that this people hath transgressed my covenant which I commanded their fathers, and have not hearkened unto my voice; I also will not henceforth drive out any from before them of the nations which Joshua left when he died: That through them I may prove Israel, whether they will keep the way of the LORD to walk therein, as their fathers did keep it, or not. Therefore the LORD left those nations, without driving them out hastily; neither delivered he them into the hand of Joshua."

Richardfeldman said...

Most of my comments on this section have been removed, you are a liar and intellectually dishonest